the past 2 days hasn't been easy for me. many things have happened that has taken its toil on me; physically exhausted, mentally exacted and emotionally drained.
one of the main concerns, which has since manifested itself physically, [think the CF-ers, laine, sammie and ah hui can all testify to that] is about my grandma. she was hospitalized the previous night for severe pain in her arm, chest and back. apparently it has been going on for the past 2 weeks; and she has since went to a doctor trice and a tcm practitioner twice, and it was just unbearable on tues night. so my parents rushed her to the hospital. and to top it off, she vomited a couple of times.
when first visited her on wed late morning, i walked in to the ward, walked towards the bed but i very nearly walked away again. i couldn't recognise the woman on the said bed! no way did she look like my grandmother. the woman on the bed was so frail looking, so tiny and so weak...that was not my grandmother. but that lady turned around, and i finally recognized her. it really pained me to see her like this. i was scared. i know it's a morbid thought, and probably worry blown out of proportion, but i was just so scared of losing her.
haix. doesn't help that i'm seldom home the past few weeks/months..and when i'm home, i'm just so tired and when she asks me relentless questions that sometimes seem so redundant and out of point that i get so irritated. i see now its just her way of communicating with her grandson. i know she loves me. i do hope she knows i love her too. when i came to her bed, i instinctively reached out for her hand, and so did she for mine. it happened between my grandfather and i a few months back..and its weird, because at home, there is seldom any physical interaction between my grandparents and i. sometimes i wished they were in hospital more, because its a time for me to hit the refresh button - all irritation disappears and patience gets refilled..and most importantly, i am reminded how much i love my grandparents. in addition, i get to hold them. last but not least..they can see how much i love them by the intentional visits..its just so different to show my love for them at home.
i just pray i have the patience to talk to them. and for the courage to hold and hug them out of the blue..[though i think i might just trigger a heart attack...]
when i saw her 11am that day, and later on at 1230am...she was having the same complaint - she was hungry and thirsty, but she was denied food and drink because she was supposed to clear her stomach for a GSO (i hope i didn't get that wrong, but basically they'll stick something into her stomach to see if there's anything wrong.) i was half angry with the hospital; i understand that things happen, but can't you see how painful it is for an old lady to go through the entire day without food. and my grandma loves food. and its even more painful for a loved one to see her like this and can do nothing about it. apparently what happened was that they didn't allow her food from the time she was hospitalised until the next day coz she was scheduled for the GSO, but it was later postponed because the doctor wasn't free. and by dinner, she was so hungry that she wasn't hungry..but later on, the hunger came again, and it seems absurd that the nurse thinks that a couple of packets of biscuits and a cup of milk would suffice for a lady who had no solid food nor drink for 24hours. i understand she did all she could, and that she had a time restriction (apparently the doc instructed that my grandma's no food/drink policy started at 12am), but its really heart-wrenching to hear my grandma beg for water. not once, but trice in the short 20mins that i was there.
i apologize to those whom was affected by my silence but i was really quite worried and affected by all that has happened.
to end off the whole saga, my grandma was discharged this evening..so she's finally home. i think my grandpa is happy too.
another morbid thought came into my mind this morning - i have a stinking feeling that if i should lose one grandparent...my other grandparent will follow soon after. the 2 of them are so dependent on each other. grandpa knows not one medicine to the next, he uses grandma as a walking aid and she's the only person who can really take his nonsense. but at the same time, both of them are kind of xiang yi wei ming. one would be so lonely without the other. in the day, the house is so empty because parents and char are working, ben and i are schooling...there is no one to talk to them..but then again, even when we are home, there isn't much communication between us too. hai.
if you could, please just pray with me that my grandparents will come to know His love...i love them too much to lose them for all eternity..
grandpa, grandma and grandaunt (grandpa's sworn sis..i think)in happier times
2 comments:
hey dear, press on in the Lord's promises! and may it urge you to do what you may not find strength normally to do in normal times.. it's not easy la, watching as a loved one suffer and facing the possibility that they may leave forever.
the worst is regret. so, haa, learn my lesson and dont wait till it's too late.. sigh, cant type anymore.. you get what i mean la!
hugs dear =)
Hey Sam, I know exactly what you mean too, and with my recent saga of grandfather going in and out of the hospital, I'm kind of crying while reading this.
I feel the exact same way and I was really upset/angry when the doctor told us that my grandfather has to be put on the tubes for milk forever until he dies. It's like eating, for him, has become the only activity that he looks forward to and it'll really be very sad should he be put on tubes forever. But thankfully, after his drama of refusing any idea of not eating, the doctor said he could continue eating. You ask simon, I was secretly crying away at the table when my grandma told me that he might not be able to eat anymore.
I really felt heart pain when I saw how he got so afraid of going back to the hospital and the needles and blood withdrawal.
Anyway, ya both my grandparents have to stop eating the night before they go for blood test, and its really sad to see how my grandmother goes off super early in the morning so that she can eat and stop her hunger. And especially for her, she is very intolerant to hunger and starts to tremble when she gets hungry, quoting from her.
It makes me feel very sad to see how they are getting on with age.
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